Suicide On The Playground

Maybe it's the California girl in me but few things make me happier than the warm sun on my skin. Our day of birthday celebrations was getting off to a good start for my now 6 year old son and we couldn't think of a better place to finish the morning than the park.

It was spring break so much to my son's delight there were more kids his age at the park than usual. I pushed my daughter on the swing the entire time because apparently all of Disneyland couldn't compete with a simple swing on a day like that. So as I pushed her I watched. I keep an eye on my kids at the park, but I believe it's one of the places where kids learn how to interact with each other and work things out themselves.  If I intervene, the situation is usually headed to bones breaking like pretzels or something else equally detrimental about to happen. 

Now my little guy is fearless in making new friends. He will walk up to any potential new playmate and simply say "Hey, you wanna play with me?" and if the answer is no, he moves on to the next. Usually he finds several kids who are thrilled with the invitation and they race off in a game of tag. 

But occasionally I get to witness some life lessons at work, like kids who pin everyone against the newcomer. I don't let it get to me much and thankfully neither does my son. And this is how our day at the park started. A group of kids with the two ring leaders ordering everyone not to talk to my son. I felt bad, but just continued watching. Sometimes kids can be jerks. Not really something I wanted him to have to learn on his birthday, but life doesn't usually let you choose convenient times for lessons. 

After a while of trying to get any of the kids to play with him, to no avail, some new kids showed up. Two brothers and another friend of theirs. The younger brother and friend were both about 9 and the older brother roughly 11. I had seen them stroll over and start playing and they seemed nice enough. Then my son walked over and asked them if they wanted to play. Immediately the younger brother got an incomprehensible look on his face. I wasn't sure how he would respond but was instantly nervous. But I never, ever could have imagined what would come out of this boy's mouth next. His words put a lump in my throat, fire in my veins and an ache in my heart.   

"I know what you could do. How about suicide?" he said with a sneer.

His other little friend let out the kind of chuckle that's pure nervousness and admiration of something he would never dare say himself. His older brother, through quiet chuckles said "Remember? We can't joke about that."

I told my son we needed to head home and we left.

I was in absolute shock. Stunned beyond belief. Part of me wanted to believe it was just a horribly named game kids are playing and he wasn't really saying what it sounded like. But in my gut, I couldn't shake the feeling of, even if that's the case, does it matter? What if he said that to another kid? One who knew what that word meant? A kid having the worst day he had faced in his young life. What if he had come to the park to escape from that horrible day only to be confronted with this? What if it were another new kid? One who had never felt the loneliness of not having a friend in this new place and didn't know how to handle it? What if...?

By the time I got home I wished I had said something instead of assuming it was the name of some mind numbing game. I wished I had been that mom. The one who lays into a kid she's never set eyes on until that moment in hopes of opening his eyes to the magnitude of the words that just escaped his lips. The kind of mom who doesn't just do all she can to protect her kid from ignorant and heinous comments like that, but tries to protect every kid. 

I don't know if I could've done it and kept my language playground appropriate, but maybe, because of this experience, I will find the right words next time. And maybe after reading this you will too. Because there will always be some kid who thinks it's okay to say things that are unspeakable. Who wants to see how far he can push it or see what she can get away with. 

It was the last thing I ever imagined having to worry about as we celebrated my little boy's 6th birthday, but it opened my eyes to the world we live in. Just today I read of another little boy taking his own life over comments from others. He was only 11 years old. This is the world we live in?!! A world where I have to talk to my kindergartener about off the cuff comments from older kids trying to get him to hurt himself or take his own life for their amusement?!

Don't get me wrong, I truly believe the vast majority of people in this world are good and I understand that sometimes great kids make thoughtless choices and say terrible things without ever realizing the potential harm their words can do. I certainly don't want to paint a picture of a world of horrible kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. But suicide is never a joke. It is never funny. And it is never a suggestion. It is a tragedy.

So today, hug your loved ones a little tighter, tell them what they mean to you, and then have a real conversation with them. And tomorrow have another. And another. Talk about anything and everything. Listen and help them know they matter. And in some of those conversations, talk about the hard things. All the hard things. Even what this 9 year old boy so cavalierly spouted off to my son. Because if we don't talk about it, I can guarantee you, others will...even on an elementary school playground.