A Letter To My Anxious Little Boy

To my sweet, anxious little boy,

My sweet little worrier. I should have known. Your first encounter with mud and you were sure you were Clark Kent and this substance must be Kryptonite. After spending your college fund on taking you to one of those fancy kiddie haircut places that is basically a mini Disneyland equipped with car and rocket ship chairs and every children's movie ever made, you walked out trimmed to perfection and a bit dehydrated from the waterworks that started before the clippers were even plugged in. 

I should have known then that some things would be so difficult for you. I should have known that just because making friends and articulating your thoughts and feelings came so easily to you, it didn't mean the rest would be effortless. 

And every time I see a panic attack on the horizon I wonder if I'm the reason. Did I do this to you? Did I tell you to be careful too many times? Did I make you think the world is a place to be feared? Every day I hope and pray that I'm doing the right things for you. And I have no doubt that sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just get it wrong. Sometimes I am not as patient as you need me to be. Sometimes I forget to fix your favorite book that your sister broke when she used it as a frisbee. Sometimes I tell you the incredibly unlikely worst case scenario to get you to take my warning seriously. 

But son, even though sometimes accidents do happen in life, I never want you to be afraid to live it! I want you to jump in puddles and get so muddy you look like swamp thing. I want you to run as fast as your little legs can carry you. I want you to be excited about the snow cones we will enjoy when you see flakes coming down outside, instead of instantly worry about Daddy making it home from work with he snowy roads. I want to take away your worries and calm your troubled heart. I want you to take another page out of your Mama's book. A better page. And see the world as a place full of wonder and adventure. I want life to fill you with excitement. 

Because son, I know that anxiety you feel. I know it because you do get it from me. And it started just weeks before you were born. I was always the fearless one. Adventurous and daring. But you came along and I changed. I became your Mama. And for me, that came with crippling anxiety. It came with endless nights sitting by your bed with tear stained cheeks as I worried over you and all the ways I was helpless to protect you. It came with more stress than I knew one person could endure. And it came with more love than I had ever known.

It was years before I realized life didn't have to go on like this and learned how to handle my anxieties so my life could be full again. So son, when I try to help you reason through your fears and focus on the good it's because I know the fear you have inside. I know the feeling of a panic attack overwhelming your body and clouding your mind. I know how scary it can be. But it gets better. Look into my eyes, take a big deep breath and I promise, we can get through this together.

 Because life has so much to offer beyond the fear. Most people are good and kind. Most places are exciting with incredible secrets waiting to be unveiled. Most days can be good if you do your best to make it so. And most adventures start out a little scary and end up being wonderfully unforgettable. 

Love, 

Your adventurous Mama